( Announcer ) tonight's mr. Show with bob and david
is brought to you by the g.V. Corporation.
( Audience applauding )
hey, ladies, get a load of this !
it's bob and david !
( Audience applauding )
Thank you !
Hey, thanks For coming out !
( Laughing )
Welcome to mr. Show, I'm bob odenkirk.
And i'm David cross.
And we thank you.
We have a great Show for you tonight,
But before we start, David, we have Some business.
That's right, bob. Now, as you know,
mr. Show is now A publicly owned company,
And many of you Are shareholders.
Yeah, so let's take Some questions
From our Shareholders--
Our bosses. Anybody ? There you go. Sir ?
Hello, my name Is cal peltin,
And i am a Shareholder.
I have a question For the gentleman
In the yellow hat.
Uh, what about--
( Audience laughing )
What about these Rumors of downsizing ?
( Bob ) Downsizing, yes, They're very true.
Uh, david was fired 2 shows ago,
And i will be fired Soon after this joke.
Downsizing.
Yes, ma'am.
I'm barb shot, Cleveland stockholder.
I see that we Have exceeded
The fda allotment
For allowable Insect parts,
Larvae and workers' Hairs in your jokes.
Is this a potential Scandal ?
( Laughing )
No, barb. Uh, we're Not 100 percent.
I mean, Nobody can be.
If you're going to Write a comedy scene,
You're going to Have some rat Feces in there.
Thank you Very much.
( Audience laughing )
Yes, sir.
I have a question. Sure.
Why does mr. Show Continue to illegally
Dump bad sketches And jokes in the Hanford river ?
( Laughing ) Sir, there are no Proven ill effects.
Studies show that That is the most Most unfunny river
In north america.
( Audience laughing )
Ok, getting the signal. Ok, question time is over.
Wait, what about Your writers ?
Who writes The show ?
Thank you. Sir, please.
( Audience laughing )
We have heard Stories of illegal Hiring practices !
Sir, our lawyers
Would be more than Happy to talk to you.
And now, On with the show !
So space dog...
( Barking )
What are you Hiding ?
What's behind That door ?
Sir, you can't Go back there.
Oh, i can't ? You just watch me !
Sir ! Sir ! Stop him !
Sir ! Stop him !
Security !
i wasn't sure what i was looking for,
and i wasn't prepared for what i would find.
hidden from view in this dank,
squalid back room,
was an army of children,
sitting in their own filth...
writing comedy.
What's going on ? Get out of here !
( Chanting war cry )
it smelled like poo-poo and pee-pee,
and as i was thrown out, i noticed, in the corner,
a frail waif with a tear...
in his eye.
( Audience laughing )
Tough world, Tough story.
And it has to Be tough on Those children.
It is. The child In this picture is Named bhopal,
And he was sold At an auction
By his family In beverly hills.
( Audience chuckling )
He makes 18 cents A week,
And his shoes are made Of old milk cartons.
John, why do They do it ?
Well, milk cartons Are porous,
And they allow your Feet to breathe.
( Audience laughing )
I see. Thank you For the report, John. Good job.
My pleasure, tom. Better luck next time.
When we return, Those sexy deaf people--
They're hip, They're hot--
Wait, what do You mean, "better Luck next time" ?
You gotta make A big deal out of Everything, come on.
Jesus h. Christ, Just let it go.
( Audience laughing )
We'll be right Back after this.
( Announcer ) you've seen him perform feats
of unparalleled skill on tv and radio.
now, worldwide billiards champion, van hammersly,
presents a series of videotapes
designed to teach as well as entertain.
( Audience laughing )
with his first tape, I oughta be in pictures,
van hammersly showcases his incredible talent and passion
for the golden age of film.
A lot of people want To go to hollywood,
See the stars they've seen For lo, these many years.
Why not take a Trip on your own
Billiards table ?
Just pick out a few balls, And say hello to the stars.
Oh, look who we have Here-- marilyn monroe,
Star of the seven year itch.
Next to her, Humphrey bogart--
"Judy, judy, judy."
And next to him, The 3 crack-ups--
Moe, larry and curly.
( Laughing )
Stop it, gentlemen,
You're going to screw Everything up.
All right, it's 1952, And we're on a back lot.
It's time for The awards--
The hollywood awards !
First of all, marilyn monroe, Nice to have you.
Humphrey bogart, "Judy, judy, judy !"
Next to him, moe,
Larry...
And curly. The 3 stooges !
Get on down There boys !
( Announcer ) then it's off to the races
as van recounts the running of the 1974 kentucky derby
the only way he knows how--
with a pool table !
It's 1974, march 15,
And horseracing history
Is about to be made.
A hot, muggy day--
All the horses Are at their gates.
Let's run the race, Shall we ?
First of all, "Mr. Fast horse"
Comes down his gate Real slow-like.
Not like his Name at all.
"Papa's delicate condition" And "krystallnacht"
Almost trip Over each other.
Gets your bets in, gentlemen, Because "batman, the horse,"
Isn't waitin' around For anybody.
"Nice n' sticky" says, "What about me, boys ?"
Next up, "stinkfinger."
Next to her, "if mandy Patankin was a horse" comes in.
Bringin' up the rear, "Ol' felcher" !
And that's how The race was won !
tape number 3, All aboard,
teaches you the history of mass transportation.
37 people died
In a massive triple Decker bus accident
In london, britain, New hampton, wales.
and if you order right away,
you'll receive Your g.E.D.
simply viewing this tape
qualifies you for a high-school diploma.
van teaches you mathematics.
You simply subdivide Each part by its cosine.
science.
Bam bam...
And that's why We have nitrogen.
american history.
And that's when Lincoln said,
"Don't dis my homies !"
you'll receive one tape every year.
your library will grow,
as will your knowledge of such diverse topics as
renaissance painting, oceanography,
corn futures, belly dancing,
december 7, 1941, billiards,
rock lyrics, and many, many more !
these are simply the best teaching-by-billiards tapes
you can purchase.
that's why they've earned the tbd gold seal.
( Laughing hysterically )
( Audience laughing )
I think that Gentleman's gay.
Well, more power To him, mother.
Mom, dad, look !
I found these All over town !
Oh, god, no !
Oh ,tommy !
Tommy, you weren't Supposed to See that, son.
( Crying ) Wh-why ?
This isn't how We wanted you To find out.
Well, i guess I-it's all out In the open now.
We still love you, We support you,
We're proud of you.
You're gay, son.
( Audience laughing )
Yeah, we've known For years.
I feel like a Great weight has Been lifted.
I'm not gay. I have a girlfriend.
A "beard," that's What they call it. Right, mother ?
( Audience laughing )
Honey, honey, We have confronted Our homophobia,
And so has everyone Else in town.
Well, thanks to Your mother's Tireless efforts,
Spreading the Word about your Homosexuality,
Calling people And writing people,
And putting your Picture up on Telephone poles,
And buying bus Stop bench ads, and
Starting an on-line Chat service--
All about you And your gayness.
Ahh, shut up !
I'm not gay ! You two--
You two made My life
Miserable in this Town ! I hate you !
Oh !
You gay bastard !
( Audience laughing )
No gay son Of mine is A "not gay."
You better get Gay, or i'll Make you gay !
( Audience laughing )
You just try it !
My pleasure ! Rodrigo !
Get in here !
( Audience cheering )
Tommy...
Rodrigo is the best.
Rodrigo, Do what you do.
Go on, Gay him up.
Hey !
Hey, everybody !
Hey, whee, ha, ha !
Oh, that was fun !
Greg, what are You doing ?
Oh, i love to see a scene About a gay coming out.
That isn't what The scene was about.
We weren't done.
Oh, robert, anything Is possible,
As long as you Imagineer it !
( Audience chuckling )
What are you Talking--
Folks, i'm sorry, This is greg sniper,
He's the principal Stockholder of mr. Show.
You know why, Folks ? 'Cause i Love to laugh.
( Audience chuckling )
You guys did Such a great job, Guess what ?
Tofutti break !
No, greg, We can't.
We have to finish The scene.
No, you don't. I'm the boss, Robert.
And the boss says,
* Work is play, Tofutti break today *
Tofutti time !
Robert, blast off With outer space
Chocolate Vanilla swirl !
( Announcer ) he's a boss who makes his employees
eat dessert whenever he feels like it.
he's greg sniper,
or, as he's known to his employees,
"grass valley greg"--
the eccentric
multibillionaire computer whiz,
who invented the delete button.
( Greg ) thoughts just come to me,
and i make them happen.
the wilder the better !
( Announcer ) he has a passion for health food
and goats.
Did you know that The delete button
Is used over 800,000 times a day,
In over 62 different Languages ?
That's a lot Of mistakes--
Or, as i like To call them,
"Oppurtunitystakes."
Mr. Sniper ?
Oh, hey, tanya.
Tanya, it's greg.
Greg, your accountant's On the phone.
He says it's urgent.
You know What's urgent ?
Fun.
Have a circus peanut.
It's made of tofu And spider sugar.
Doesn't hurt the spiders.
This is where It all happens.
Hey, darnette, What you got there ?
That's not gonna Work at all. Good job.
These people Are the best.
Shit !
They make mistakes All day long.
Goddamn it !
That's what We pay them to do !
I fucked up !
All right, jerry.
Developing exciting New mistakes
For the next century And beyond !
You asshole computer !
Hey, hey, bobby, What's wrong ?
Well, i pressed this Button twice by mistake
And it printed out The letter "e" 3 times.
Hey, that's great !
Well, it's Jerry's baby,
I'm just working The kinks out.
Guys, i think we Found a new mistake.
Yeah !
You know what that Means, everybody !
Tofutti break !
Come on, everybody,
You earned it. Work is play.
Have some tofutti.
* Tofutti awaits The greats *
* That make Mistakes *
Come on, to The cafe-torio !
( Announcer ) at grass valley greg's , the philosophy,
"work is play"
means constantly stopping
for ice cream breaks,
an impromptu concert from boz skaggs,
or puppet shows by the boss himself.
some workers find it hard to play so much.
Clay, is everyting All right ?
Yeah, it's fine.
Really ? Well, Try explaining that
To this cup Of tofutti.
Liz said she saw You take it
And then just put It on the table And walk away.
I did. I don't Like tofutti.
It just doesn't Taste good to me.
It tastes just Like ice cream.
No, it doesn't.
It does.
( Announcer ) don't get on greg's bad side,
or you might find yourself at his personal ranch,
nannadu,
where he tends and cares
for over 200 special goats.
( Audience laughing )
Meredith, Don't lick that.
Hi, nova. Hi, nova.
Oh, ron, i'm sorry. I'm sorry.
All these goats Are retarded.
( Audience laughing )
Mitsy, mitsy, Stay out of phineas Scapegoat iii's space.
Oh, poop.
You know, a goat is the Only animal with an innate
Sense of democracy ?
That's why they're Called "nature's president."
Greg.
Greg, we've Got to talk, man.
Oh, man, It's my accountant.
Heh, sorry.
I'm not talking to Clouds on a sunny day.
We've gotta talk.
No, it's playtime. It's time to play.
It's not Playtime anymore.
All right ? I'm serious.
If you want me, I'll be out Funboarding.
Greg, Come on, man !
You know, You've lost it !
( Goats bleating )
He's broke.
I hope you Enjoyed it, goats.
the thing you gotta remember is that greg
is not that bright.
he had this bizarre obsession
with tofu-based products.
He spent $25 million Shipping a product
Called "tofulafel,"
A falafel substitute, To the middle east.
( Audience chuckling )
In 1989, he hired The country of canada
To sing happy birthday To him, um...
He spent $100 million On a campaign
To legalize tomatoes.
Which i assume worked,
Because i had a Tomato yesterday,
And i'm not In jail, am i ?
And those goats,
Those goats live better Than you or i.
Goats are stupid, mean, And hardheaded animals.
That's why they're called "Nature's president."
What should i do, Mr. President ?
Yes, thank you.
Ok, all right, I got you.
Jesus. Send him in.
Ah !
Ahh ! Ahh !
Ooh.
( Audience laughing )
Flane ? Yes, mr. Twilt.
Yes, sit down, Please.
Flane, i'm gonna Call you "jerry."
John. Jimmy. Jim.
John. Jim-jim-jim-jom.
( Audience laughing )
Jim-jom, uh...
I had a man, uh, Look over your files,
And talked to A man who'd seen Him, and he--
He told me What he thought,
And i liked what That man heard.
Oh, great.
Uh, you are currently Making $47,000 a year.
Yes, sir.
Well, how would You feel about a raise
Of $20,000 a year
And the use of A company car ?
Oh, that is Terrific, sir.
A $20,000 raise And a company car.
Yes, that's what i wanted To talk to you about...
Um, flane, this company Is downsizing and...
Uh, todd, with your Recent raise,
And i understand You got a car...
Yes, sir.
Well, we simply can't Afford you anymore.
I'm sorry, but We're going to have To let you go.
I don't understand--
I'm sorry, We're downsizing.
N-n-no, but you-- Downsizing !
Here's a written Recommendation.
Best of luck To you.
Flane ! Listen,
Come back and Sit down, please.
( Sighing ) Oh, jeez, listen...
I know what you're Going through.
I know you're out Of work, andy.
Hell, it's all over The office.
( Audience laughing )
Bill, you've Got a lot of Great qualities,
Gary, you're a good Listener, you're Easy to fire, and
Let's face it, You're available,
Archibald, i could Get you $12,000
If you stayed here.
$12,000 ?
Great, you got Some kind of Recommendation ?
Ah, mr. Twilt, well, I'll just give Myself a call.
( Audience laughing )
Don't worry, I'll sweet talk This asshole.
( Audience laughing )
Jag off Isn't answering.
Oh, hey, there You are. Say, listen,
What do you know About flane here ?
Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
Oh, good, Thank you.
( Laughing )
I'll see you tuesday.
( Audience laughing )
What did he--you-- What did he say ?
Oh, we're going Golfing on tuesday.
N-no, about me--
Oh, you're good. Welcome to the firm.
Thank you.
Hey, between you, Me and the wall,
There's an umor-ay About own-day Izing-say.
I don't know What that means.
It's pig language.
( Telephone ringing )
Hello. Yes, Flane's here.
Oh, sure. It's for you.
Oh, uh... Yes, hello ?
Fired ?
Ok, thanks.
What did They say ?
You're fired. Fuck you, i quit !
( Audience laughing )
Damn it,
You put in one week, And look what They do to you.
Well, it's this Damn downsizing.
What're you Gonna do about it ?
I don't know. You Just go out and Have a drink.
Well, i'll Join you.
I'm goin' for A double today.
Oh, i'm Joining you.
( Audience chuckling )
( Whispering ) Yeah.
( Audience laughing )
( Intercom buzzing )
( Buzzing )
Oh, yes, hello ?
( Man ) is this my new distribution manager ?
Yes, sir, it is.
you're fired.
( Audience laughing )
Well, that's it. Fired everyone.
No one left but me.
That ought to Boost profits, right ?
Right ?
Oh, jesus.
Am i the only One left ?
Is there no other human On the planet but i ?
No !
Sir ? Sir ?
Are you all right ?
Why, yes, joanne, I'm fine. Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh...
You're fired !
Oh, shit balls.
Now who's going to Run the company ?
Think, think, Take a drink. Yeah.
Always helps.
Mmm.
Who can i get ?
Oh, of course.
( Announcer ) after massive layoffs, the white collar
workforce is being replaced by child laborers
such as bhopal,
a 9-year-old from pakistan.
it's a move economists are cheering.
These kids work 18 hours a day,
7 days a week,
No heating, No air conditioning,
Very little food, No vacations.
I mean, look At the savings.
Last year the, uh,
Ceo of globo-chem Made approximately
$6 million for the Fiscal year 1995.
Bhopal stands To make, uh,
Well, let's see...
18 cents a day...
Times 3-6-5...
$65.52.
So you can see, That is, uh...
I mean, I'm no economist,
But that is a Load of dough.
Jimmy !
( Announcer ) from the boardroom to the fairway,
this newfound elite have stepped
into corporate america's patent-leather shoes.
what's that you're reading, bhopal ?
a book about work ?
oh, bhopal, will you never rest ?
put that book down, you'll miss the celebration !
congratulations, america.
it's 1996,
and you're no longer number one.
then why the funny parade ?
because we're talking infant mortality rate
in the industrialized world.
sally's happy, she'll have more friends.
but she's not the only one making a splash.
rub-a-dub dub, 800 in a tub ?
they come from all over
to work in our sweatshops for pennies.
"oh, it's a sailor's life for me,"
says lon-duc ti-po.
( Ship horn blowing )
that tanker's horn means "ahoy" !
but this tankerbell means business !
senator howel tankerbell, that is.
the dixiecrat from georgia
made a big noise on capitol hill
with his bold new proposal
to raise money for the deficit.
Now, we've got To solve this deficit
Before it Gets as big
As a new york Jew in july.
( Laughing )
You know what I'm saying.
I have a solution, By the way.
Uh, i believe That it's time
For a good Old-fashioned yard sale.
This country Is as cluttered
As my Granny's attic.
If you ain't usin' it, Sell it off !
New mexico--
When was the Last time anybody
Was in new mexico ? Be serious !
Grand canyon, just sitting Out there collecting dust.
The great lakes, Cluttered with water.
San francisco, Dirty city.
Depraved, festooned
With criminality And depravity.
I believe it's time To sell it.
We're taking bids now. Best offer gets it.
( Announcer ) ladies and gentlemen,
the new owners of san francisco,
globo-chem,
present a message
from the chairman of their theme-parks division.
Hello, everyone.
We're very excited About our plans
For the new family- Friendly san francisco.
We're relocating The citizens,
And we're In the midst
Of a $2 billion makeover
To turn this city
Into the World's largest
Family-friendly Theme park city.
When you see The new san francisco,
You'll say...
"San frantastic."
( Audience laughing )
Oh, look...
Here comes a typical American family now.
Mom, dad,
I know where We can go for Vacation this year !
Where honey ?
Let's go to San francisco !
Honey, we Can't go there.
It's too dangerous.
Your mother's right.
They've got hippies,
Angry lesbians And chinese !
No, new San francisco.
Here, look at this Magic pamphlet.
( All ) Wow !
It says, "Place on ground,
"Stand in center, And hold on !"
( All ) Whoa !
This is San francisco ?
But it's so clean !
New san francisco !
Mom, dad,
Look, It's a hippie !
Careful, sissy.
Don't worry, dad,
Our hippies won't Harass you
Or expose your Children to any
Anti-authority Lifestyles.
Our hippies Are the kind
The whole family Can enjoy.
Hey, man,
My name's Groovy gravy,
And i want to Be your friend !
* Take my hair To a fun place where *
* You won't Have a care *
* And all your friends Will be there *
* 'Cause you can Ride all day In hippie land *
* You can fly in the air In hippie land *
Hippie land Will feature Several attractions,
Like woodstock--
The movie, the ride.
A 3-day roller Coaster ride
Featuring the Original members Of sha na na.
Good-bye, man.
Good-bye.
Good-bye, Groovy gravy.
Peace.
Say, that hippie Was all right.
He was fun !
Yoo hoo !
Why don't you Join us ?
Come on, we're Going antiquing !
You 3 back off !
I've got homophobia.
We are sensitive To the needs
Of those who suffer From homophobia.
So in our new San francisco,
We got rid of The dirt but Kept the pansies
By creating "Bachelor land."
Whoo !
( Characters ) * Bachelor land, Bachelor land *
* Where a man Can be a man *
* Working out, Losing fat *
* We got '70s stores Full of bric-a-brac *
* Bachelor land Is for mom and dad *
* Work it, work it Work it, work it, whoo *
While you're in New san francisco,
Be sure to visit The restaurants
Of our redone Chinatown.
Chinese culture Can be strange
And overwhelming.
So we've remade it into A fantastic place.
Talk about your Alien cultures,
Here's new chinatown.
Wow !
Oh, look, It's like Another land.
And it doesn't Stink of fish.
They're so cute.
( Characters ) * Meep, meep, Moop, moop *
* Have some Hot 'n' sour soup *
* Kink, kink, Ho, ho *
* Have another Eggy roll *
( Gong chiming )
I love you !
This is the best Vacation we've ever had !
Thanks, globo-chem !
It's san frantastic !
( All ) * New san francisco
* Better than before
* New san francisco
* Everything and more
* New san francisco
* Thanks to globo-chem
* New san francisco
* Is all new *
Stop the music !
Sorry, cut it. Cut now.
Oh, that was So much fun.
What are You doing ?
You interrupted our Big closing number.
Oh, robert, you can do a Closing number any time !
No, you can't ! You have to do it at The end of the show !
You guys want To finish now ?
( All ) No.
Great. You screwed it up.
Well, sometimes A screwup
Can be a doorway
To imagineering An imagination--
Shut up !
You know ?
You screwed it up, Just get out of here.
Yeah, see you, greg. Bye.
Goodbye, greg. Later, you dumb shit.
( Audience laughing )
Greg, greg, I'm sorry, listen...
( Audience laughing )
Look, i know that You've lost more money
In the last half hour
Than any of us Will ever see.
I'll tell you what,
We'll give you $5 If you clean Up this mess.
Hey, make it $6.
Yeah.
No, $5 is enough.
( Audience laughing )
Righto, robert.
All right, Get to work.
( Audience applauding )
( Piano music playing )
( Audience laughing )
( Audience applauding )
This is it ? A guy sweeps Up a spotlight ?
I'm not in This ! No ! No, I'm not in this !
( Yelling in Foreign language )
( Audience laughing )
mr. Show with Bob and david ! Huh ?
Not just david !
Faster ! Funnier !